12 reasons why i hate this 'call me gaybe' video [the interweb]

i love a good a lip-dub more than most people out there. it's embarrassing how many hours i've spent watching them, in what i affectionately call a "youtube black hole." i don't know what it is about the form that completely sucks me in. i like the creativity. i (usually) like the song. it's just good clean positive fun, and for that, i applaud them. heck, i've even made two of them myself (shamless plugs #1 and #2). so i'm all for their ridiculousness.

but when this lip-dub of "call me maybe" became an internet sensation last week, my blind adoration for the genre was completely called into question. titled "call me gaybe," the video features five high school boys from tennessee, dancing around shirtless and touching one another. take a look:

in theory, i should have been all on board. but here's 10 reasons why i passionately hate it.

1. they're clearly straight. okay, maybe not all of them (i'm looking at you, kid)). but like, 80% of them, for sure. these are high school boys in tennesee. even if there were five, out, gay kids in that suburban of an area who were all in the same school district or met online, the fact that they would then gather together, take their shirts off, and dance around a cul-de-sac is ABSURD. i don't care how many "it gets better" videos they watched. no gay youth is that confident. besides, in the description of the video, they clearly mention that they're having some "good, clean, heterosexual fun." so yeah...

2. they're making fun of gay people. again, there may be a 'mo or two of the group. but that doesn't give them excuse to make a video where they're clearly mocking gay people and post it on the internet. 

3. all the gay press picked it up. shame on you, towelroad, instinct, and all the other prominant gay bloggers i saw posting or tweeting about the video. you should know better to see through the nonsensical title and your obsession with pre-pubescent twinks and called them out for what they are: totaly jokes. 

4. they don't know the words. how many words are in "call me maybe." 20? 25, tops? would it really have been that difficult for them to learn them?

5. it's not edited well. half of the time, they're completely off. like this part at 2:20. could you really not find 5 more seconds of footage to extend the scene?

6. this random guy in the background:

i can see you, bro! wtf are you doing there? move out of the way!

7. the "ass ass ass ass" coda. by far the most annoying part of all. wtf is the point of that? and do they think they have good assess? because i can shove my ass out and make it look like a i have a nice behind, but believe me - i don't.

8. the "ejaculation with the pool noodle" part. "gay people are so funny! they splooge on each other's faces all the time!"

9. this guy:

10. and this guy:

11. the fact that 157,395 people have watched it. and counting, obviously.

12. and because "call me maybe" is now in my head. and probably will be for the rest of the day. fuuuuuuuuck.

why yes, that was kristen wiig's last #snl. and andy samberg's. and probably jason sudeikis's too. [television]

after months of speculation, we finally got confirmation that last night's episode of snl was indeed kristen wiig's final as a full-time cast member. it was an emotional goodbye - one in which saw every cast member say goodbye to kristen with their own special dance and embrace (an idea lifted from every production of godspell in the last 40 years). all set to a live performance of "she's a rainbow," with arcade fire on backup. oh, and special appearances by steve martin, jon hamm, chris parnell, amy poehler, chris kattan, and rachel dratch. all and all, a perfect farewell.

take a cry look:

it was pretty clear that this would be wiig's final snl epsiode right from the beginning, with the "and i'm judy" opener that saw wiig reuinted with her bridesmaids and friends with kids co-star jon hamm. the next skit in after the opener? another wiig returning character, mindy grayson in "secret word." (though if i'm being honest - i'm kinda suprised they choose that character to represent wiig's time on the show. does anyone finds that skit funny?) wiig was present in almost every skit following, creating new character throughout (am i the only one sad that i won't get to see her dancing hippie from "so you think you can dance at an outdoor music festival" again?).

but it's important to note that this wasn't just kristen wiig's final episode. it was also andy samberg's, who reunited with chris parnell for his last snl digital short, "lazy sunday 2." it was a fitting choice - the original "lazy sunday" was the first snl digital short to make it to air back in 2005, kicking off seven seasons of samberg tomfollery. oddly, "lazy sunday" was the only snl digital short not included in the 100th short retrospective last week. i suppose now we know why.

there were also major rumors that jason sudeikis was exiting snl as well. sudeikis has also seen a pretty significant shift in his career, appearing in more and more bad dude comedies (see: horrible bosses). he's had a long run on the show (filled mostly with bit parts and bad impressions), but has remained oddly likeable throughout (i for one would totally hit it). if you watch wiig's farewell again, you'll see she embraces sudeikis the longest, seemingly whispering something in his ear (some theories: "i'm so sorry you're getting the shaft," "i hope horrible bosses 2 doesn't suck as much as horrible bosses 1," "aren't i amazing?"). and if you look in the background during lorne michael's embrace, sudeikis looks downright pissed off.

so why did wiig get the big farewell and not andy samberg or jason sudeikis?

maybe because a post-wiig snl is way bleeker than a post-sandberg, post-sudeikis snl. it's common knowledge that she's been carrying every episode of snl since amy poehler left a few seasons ago. she's been with the show since november 2005 - one of the longest rides of any female regular cast member. she spent all of season 35 as the sole female regular cast member (and basically all of season 36, since it was just her and lame-duck abby elliott). her contribution to "the great snl characters of all time" cannon has been beyond substantial. from the target lady, to gilly, to shanna, to penelope, to judy grimes, to aunt linda - the list of wiig characters just goes on and on. plus, there were her outstanding impressions. bjork. suze orman. kathie lee gifford. taylor swift. nancy pelosi. michele bachmann. it's hard to see all those go. that's like basically 60% of every episode.

it's clear that snl now has a major hole to fill. there's certainly hope in nasim pedrad, and featured players vanessa bayer and kate mckinnon. i'm also dying for jay pharoah to finally break out and create and original character. it's not like the show's doomed. snl has always been good at reinventing its own formula - at discovering new talent and starting fresh.

but it's going to be hard to find someone as talented right off the gate as kristen wiig. you know, one of the things i respect most about her was that even though she's basically carried snl for years - even though she's an oscar-nominated screenwriter for her work in bridesmaids and has the big film career on the pike (6 films in production as we speak), she's never really abandoned snl. she stayed active in every show throughout the past year. she's spoken highly of the show throughout her entire bridesmaids and friends with kids press junkets, often calling snl her "dream job." she's remained ever so class. which is why i'm so happy that snl gave her a class exit. bravo, kristen. we can't wait to see what comes next.

now come back in two seasons and guest host, will ya?

The SMASH Reality Index: Episode 15 [television]

Inspired by NYMag.com’s brilliant Reality Index recaps, Linda Buchwald (@PataphysicalSci) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here, or on Linda's site!

It's finally here. The season finale of SMASH. We’ve stuck by this show for 15 episodes, and this episode, “Bombshell,” is our reward. Or punishment, depending on how you look at it.

We’re still in Boston for previews, just shy of opening night. Our star Marilyn, Rebecca Duvall (Uma Thurman) has just quit the show, and now everyone is scrambling. Tom (Christian Borle) and Julia (Debra Messing) are writing one last song for the finale. Eileen (Anjelica Huston) is trying her best to be heard amongst a sea of disorganized creatives. And Derek (Jack Davenport) is spending an odd amount of time yelling for a wig.

Oh, and we still need a Marilyn.

Ahhh yes. The quest for the perfect Marilyn; something we thought we knew in episode 2 but apparently had to wait 13 more episodes to really find out. Would it be Ivy Lynn (Megan Hilty), the girl with the experience and the pill problem, or Karen Cartwright (Katharine McPhee), the girl with the heart and the cheating fiancé?

SPOILER ALERT – it’s Karen Cartwright. Lame ass Karen Cartwright. The wrong choice, clearly. It’s not that Karen Cartwright isn’t talented. It’s not that she isn’t working hard. It’s just that… Ivy Lynn’s better. Ivy Lynn completely encompasses Marilyn (believe us – we saw Megan Hilty in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes this weekend – she was outstanding). Ivy Lynn deserved that role. Heck, if we saw Bombshell, we’d probably spend the whole time saying, “Why isn’t that girl in the chorus playing Marilyn? She looks perfect!”

It looks like even in the make-believe theater world, an American Idol player gets top billing over a Broadway superstar. Just like when Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo came into Hair.

For what it’s worth, “Bombshell” was one of the best episodes of the season. That could be because we were treated to an episode free of any painful pop songs. As if the producers were like, “you’ve stuck with us this long – you theater people might as well pipe down have your showtunes.” 

We did get plenty of showtunes. A slew of returning hits (What up “Mr. and Mrs. Smith!), favorites we hadn’t seen staged yet, (“I Never Met a Wolf Who Didn’t Love to Howl”), and even a new ballad -  “Don’t Forget Me.” Which is kind of strange considering the show already has 16 different ballads (“Let Me Be Your Star,” “Never Give All The Heart,” “Second Hand Baby Grand,” “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” “History is Made at Night,” and “On Lexington and 52nd Street,” plus reprises of “Let Me Be Your Star,” “Second Hand Baby Grand,” and “Mr. And Mrs. Smith.”). Could Bombshell be the most ballad-heavy show ever?

While you’re answering that, here’s another question for you: Is Sam (Leslie Odom, Jr) actually in Bombshell? We’ve seen him rehearsing numbers with the ensemble before –but only in the rehearsal room. Has he ever put on a costume and performed with the rest of the ensemble? Is he playing someone special who doesn’t have to do that?   

And is Ivy Lynn in any numbers besides the opening? Because she certainly had a ton of time on her hands to sit up in her dressing room and overdose on pills, now didn’t she?

We guess we’ll have to wait and find out when SMASH returns for it’s second season in January. By then, Karen will probably be out as Marilyn, and Ivy will be back in the running, and we’ll be rolling our eyes out of our heads.

Before we go, some housekeeping. Remember on Friday when Linda and I posted THE ULTIMATE SMASH BINGO GAME? Well guess what? Vulture picked it up. Totally crazy, right? A complete and utter honor – especially since the Reality Index was very much inspired from our friends over at Vulture. Bananas, we tell you.

Then a bunch of people were tuned into our stuff who haven’t been yet (Hi, by the way). Oh, and then we got to meet SMASH composers Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman and SMASH star Megan Hilty, and give them copies of THE ULTIMATE SMASH BINGO GAME. And they totally loved it and OMFG.

But as cool as that’s been, it’s been the support we’ve received from you guys out there that’s really mattered. We just want to thank all of you for reading. We’ve had so much fun writing these this season and we really appreciate your feedback and support and healthy debates on Twitter. You guys floor us with your love, and we couldn’t be more grateful.

So yeah, we’re writing this week’s Index from beyond the grave because we’re dead.

Now let’s get to it:

Totally True 

• It’s a Catch Me If You Can poster! We’re not just excited because we love the show, but because it’s the first square we were able to cross off on our bingo board.
• This fight between Tom, Derek, Julia, and Eileen feels realistic. They all have a lot at stake and picking the next Marilyn has taken ALL FUCKING SEASON.
• Eileen says it will cost half a million dollars to put the show on hold for a week.
• All the ensemble members are sitting in the lobby eavesdropping. They learned it from watching Ellis.
• Karen Cartwright thinks that Ivy Lynn is going to get the part. She’s the goddamn understudy and she still she feels like she’s not good enough. Oh Iowa.
• Karen Cartwright’s been engaged for less than 24 hours and she’s no longer referring to Dev by his first name, just as her fiancé.
• Michael Riedel of The Post calls to check in on things. Say what you will about him, but he always knows where the story is. Like a moth to the flame.
• Eileen Rand spins things to Michael Riedel that Rebecca Duvall is getting some “rest.”
• “Don’t talk to me about understudies. They don’t get rehearsed in until after previews.” Leigh Conroy knows what’s up. After all, she’s probably fired a few understudies in her life.
• Plus 100 for Tom’s outfit. Those pants and that sweater look exceptionally good on him.
• “There’s a lot of stuff she doesn’t know,” says Tom about Karen Cartwright. Like how much we don’t like her?
• The costumes don’t fit because Rebecca Duvall is “like a foot taller” than Karen Cartwright. Uma Thurman is a giant.
• “If you feel yourself panicking, ask for help,” Julia tells Karen Cartwright. “Now is the time. Everyone loves you here and wants you to succeed.” Except for Ivy. Who just fucked your fiancé.
• Seconds after delivering the speech above, Julia and Tom make faces behind Karen Cartwright’s back.
• Karen Cartwright needs to make a phone call. Once again, to her “fiancé.”
• Ellis can’t believe this. He would be upset that he hadn’t snooped to find out this information beforehand.
• This:

Julia: [hands song to Tom] It’s good, I think.

Tom: [looks at song] Maybe not so much, honey.

Julia: Yeah, I know, it sucks.

• Tom keeps telling Julia that they have so much time. Maybe the should call the new song “Denial.”
• “It’s a grand old theater story. Movie star goes out. The understudy goes in,” Eileen says on the phone. This is true. Just ask Sutton Foster. And Peggy Sawyer from 42^nd Street.
• We still hate Ellis, but he has a point that Ivy Lynn should get the part.
• Eileen tries to dismiss Ellis by sending him on a Starbucks run for the creative team. Plus 10.
• “Everyone knows what I did,” Ellis says, referring to the fact that he put peanuts in Rebecca Duvall’s smoothie. Yeah, we called it last week.
• Eileen fires Ellis. And then throws a drink in his face. Plus a million.
• Ellis tells Eileen, “You haven’t heard the last of this.” Yeah, unfortunately, Ellis is a cockroach that won’t be that easy to get rid of.
• We’re glad that “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” wasn’t cut from Bombshell. We like it.
• Derek is right. Karen Cartwright does look like a sack of turnips.
• Surprise! Derek is yelling again.
• Monica left Michael Swift. Because he cheated on her. And he’s an asshole.
• Frank sees Julia and Michael Swift together and assumes there’s something going on. Also, WE LOVE YOU BRIAN D’ARCY JAMES.
• Frank tells Julia he can’t even see her talking to Michael Swift. “I want to trust you, but I can’t do it,” he says. We want to hug him. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE US BRIAN D’ARCY JAMES. NOT WITHOUT SINGING TO US AGAIN.
• Ann Harada gets more than one line in this episode!
• We like watching Tom and Julia write together and we hope to see more of this next season.
• We see Karen Cartwright struggling through her quick change, which is something actors spend a fair amount of time rehearsing.
• Derek just wanted to see Karen Cartwright in her underwear.
• “Never Met a Wolf Who Didn’t Love to Howl” is one of our favorite numbers. Though we’re unsure of why it’s suddenly set in Korea at a USO show, we’re glad it made the show. And we like seeing Ivy Lynn’s flashbacks.
• Ivy Lynn has the ring. Duh.
• “Yes, Derek, we’re all under a lot of pressure, but according to equity, there are still breaks,” Linda the stage manager says. Plus 10.
• Karen Cartwright has to practice her costume change. Again. Which is weird because she was good at taking off her clothes when she was in Derek’s apartment that one time.
• “Derek, I have had it up to here with you blowing me off,” Eileen says. “Now I have $7 million in this production, and I want a conversation right now.” Eileen Rand FTW.
• Karen Cartwright is eavesdropping on the conversation between Derek and Eileen. This shall now forever be called “pulling an Ellis.”
• Remember last week when we told you Ivy Lynn was going to tell about sleeping with Dev? Told ya.
• “It’s very Joe DiMaggio of him,” Ivy Lynn says in reference to Dev’s proposal. Figures even when she’s not playing Marilyn, she’s still wrapped up in Marilyn’s world.
• “Will you stop talking about Marilyn?” says Karen. “This is me. This is my life.” Have you watched this show?
• “I thought we were finished. I was drunk. It was a mistake,” Dev says when trying to explain why he slept with Ivy Lynn. First of all, this is his second affair. Second of all, the Ross and Rachel “we were on a break” isn’t going to work for you.
• Derek undermines Eileen. “I hate collaborating. I hate it. I’m an artist and storyteller and this is my vision and no one is going to get in my way. And if you want a hit then be quiet and I will give you one and afterwards you can say thank you.” GUUUURL.
• Jerry shows up. He would want to see how Eileen is doing.
• Sam and Tom talk art. “Art is a sick compulsion. Art is an ego gone haywire,” Tom says. “Art is beautiful,” Sam responds. We’re pretty sure he’s talking about Jesus.
• Eileen is pouring a drink while talking to Jerry. She always like to have one ready.
• Tom does his own orchestrations. How very Jason Robert Brown of him.
• Tom tries to add gospel into Bombshell. Because he just saw Sam in church. And Leap of Faith. #RIP #getoffthebus
• Julia tells Tom, “This is a disaster. It’s such a good musical.” Artists like to believe their work is good no matter how bad it is.
• Julia throws up because she is pregnant with Michael Swift’s child. OR IS SHE?
• WHY ARE YOU SO ADORABLE, NICK JONAS?
• Lyle West refers to Ivy Lynn as a “gorgeous blonde” and “spectacular.” He still has a crush on her.
• All the ensemble members are gossiping about Karen Cartwright leaving. Plus 10.
• “I’ll tell you one thing, Ivy wouldn’t run,” Bobby says. Fair-weather friend, as always.
• “If we have to cancel another preview, who knows what they’re going to write about us,” Eileen says, clearly having read Michael Riedel’s Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark columns.
• Everyone says break a leg to Karen Cartwright. Because that’s what you say in the theater.
• Ivy Lynn is pouting during this number. We’ve seen that expression before. When she was in Heaven on Earth. And we know what happened there. Quick, someone get Norbert Leo Butz! And lock the doors because she’ll run out with that costume on.
• Frank’s face while watching Michael Swift sing is priceless.
• Is it just us or does it sound like “Don’t Forget Me” was written at the last minute? Which it was. But it’s still a decent song.
• Ivy Lynn takes enough pills to kill herself. She IS Marilyn! That’s called method.

Oh Hell No!

• Tom and Julia are writing final lyrics sitting in the lobby as the house is open and the audience is filing in. They shouldn’t still be writing this close to curtain anyway, but at least go backstage.
• Again, as we mentioned last week, they don’t have Playbills in Boston.
• Tom and Julia cut through the house to get backstage. That’s what stage doors are for.
• Both Karen Cartwright’s and Ivy Lynn’s phones ring and everyone assumes that they’re going to find out who is playing Marilyn. Who do they think is calling? And why on earth would they receive a phone call to find out who gets the part when the entire creative team is on the other side of the door? AND THEY’VE BEEN EAVESDROPPING ON THEM THIS WHOLE TIME.
• Why is Ellis wearing a Gryffindor tie? Minus 10 because he’d be a Slytherin.
• Derek has to look at costumes to decide who should be Marilyn. What kind of sick fetish is this?
• Derek tells Karen Cartwright she’s going on as Marilyn in front of the whole company. Wouldn’t he take her aside first?
• Karen Cartwright going on as Marilyn.
• Derek is looking for the wig. WHERE IS THE WIG? AND WHY IS THE DIRECTOR FREAKING OUT ABOUT SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL?
• Derek says Karen Cartwright “has proven herself.” How?
• Why does Ellis care so much about Ivy? He only cares about himself unless he can get something from someone and what can she really do for him?
• “I didn’t get Rebecca Duvall out of your way so you could ignore me yet again.” That’s right, Ellis. Also, REMEMBER HOW YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED HER IN THE FIRST PLACE?
• Ellis says that Rebecca Duvall is “a nice enough person... for a movie star.” Clearly, he didn’t actually spend time with Uma Thurman.
• Why does Ellis think that poisoning Rebecca Duvall makes him a producer?
• “I thought you needed me. That’s why I came.” Michael Swift is being so Michael Swift.
• “I’m not running away from you,” Julia tells Michael Swift. “I’m running away from myself.” BARF.
• Hey look guys, it’s Boston. And by Boston, we mean Nyack.
• Leo is acting like a 10 year old. Why does his personality change so often? Sometimes he acts like a kid and sometimes he acts like an adult. And we hate him no matter what.
• “He wouldn’t even discuss it,” Tom complains to Julia regarding Derek. Yet just before that, Tom never fought to even discuss anything with Derek.
• “The good is bigger than bad” is apparently something, according to Tom. Sounds like a trite lyric to us.
• Karen Cartwright singing “I Never Met a Wolf Who Didn’t Love to Howl” is so terrible. She is the second worst Marilyn ever. Rebecca Duvall being the first. Mira Sorvino being the third.
• Speaking of which, they retooled the show for somebody who couldn’t sing or dance, so did they go back to the original versions of all the songs when Rebecca Duvall left?
• Can we take points away again for Ellis singing at that party?
• In “I Never Met a Wolf Who Didn’t Love to Howl,” there’s a line, “Leo the lion will be roaring your name.” We wonder if Julia wrote that line thinking about her son and now we hate it.
• The ensemble finishes “I Never Met a Wolf Who Didn’t Love to Howl” and claps for themselves? No.
• Derek thinks that was beautiful? Seriously, what is happening inside Derek’s head?
• Derek basically admits to Ivy Lynn that he’s crazy and is having hallucinations of Karen Cartwright as Marilyn. Has he been taking her pills again?
• “She just has something that you don’t,” Derek tells Ivy Lynn. Like what? An American Idol runner up title?
• Who took that picture of Karen Cartwright and her friends singing “Redneck Woman” in that bar? And why is it hanging on her mirror?
• “Admittedly, that was thrilling,” Eileen says about “I Never Met a Wolf Who Didn’t Love to Howl.” What number were you watching, Eileen?
• Ivy is just sitting up in the dressing room, brushing her hair. Don’t you have somewhere to be?
• Dev says, “All this was tearing us apart.” You mean when she was in the ensemble of a workshop of a musical for what, a month? And then she went to Boston for a couple of more weeks? Or was it when you slept with RJ, you fucking dick?
• Eileen didn’t throw the drink in Jerry’s face. Minus 100.
• Karen Cartwright isn’t wearing a wig cap under her Marilyn wig.
• This is Karen Cartwright’s long-time dream. She’s not just going to leave because of her stupid boyfriend.
• Why would Lyle bring that super-expensive painting back to Boston? Where Eileen doesn’t live?
• “She’s mine now,” Derek says to Dev. Because Karen Cartwright is a property that can just be traded, obviously.
• Karen Cartwright leaves a trail of clothing items, like breadcrumbs. First of all, that would never happen. Second of all, wouldn’t someone have seen her? Like the costume designer?
• “I don’t want to do it,” Karen Cartwright says to Derek. What have we been doing all season long, Karen Cartwright, if not watching you want it?
• Actually, everything in this scene between Karen Cartwright and Derek is ringing completely false to us. For example:
• “The more you hurt the better.”
• “You don’t understand because you don’t understand love.”
• “Doesn’t matter if I don’t. You do. Marilyn did.”
• Ivy Lynn is surprised that her mom, Leigh Conroy, drove all the way from Connecticut to Boston. That’s, like, 2 hours.
• Ivy Lynn tells Leigh Conroy that she’s just in the chorus. It’s the ensemble!
• Ivy Lynn isn’t wearing a wig cap under her Marilyn wig either.
• Why does Joe DiMaggio sing “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” after Marilyn dies? He wasn’t married to her at the time of her death.
• “Whatever happens next, don’t ever doubt you’re a star. And I do understand love,” Derek says to Karen. Oy.
• Don’t forget Ivy! She’s killing herself in her dressing room. And clearly not coming to curtain call. She’s not even in costume!
• Minus 100 for no Lyle West/Ivy Lynn sex scene.

Miss anything? Are you Team Ivy or Team Karen? Or are you Team “Thank god this shit is finally over?”

The Ultimate SMASH Bingo Game

For the past few months, Linda and I have been deep in the throngs of SMASH-land, breaking down every "Totally True" moment, and "Oh Hell No" action in our weekly SMASH REALITY INDEX. This has given us the keen ability to break apart a SMASH episode in our sleep; a skill that will get us very far in life, except probably not at all. 

That being said, we're going to miss this crazy hour of television during summer hiatus. So we thought it'd be fun to celebrate it on the eve of its first graduation. Just in time for the season 1 finale (airing Monday, May 14 on NBC at 10pm), we bring you THE ULTIMATE SMASH BINGO GAME. Print it out, cut it out, and play along with us on Twitter, finale night (@NineDaves, @PataphysicalSci). Like most games of bingo, we're going for five in a row here (across, down, or on the diagonal) - though we're pretty sure the board will be full by the second commercial break. 

Enjoy! 

Major thanks to @k532 for designing the board for us! We love it like Sam loves Jesus!

The SMASH Reality Index: Episode 14 [television]

Inspired by NYMag.com’s brilliant Reality Index recaps, Linda Buchwald (@PataphysicalSci) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here, or on Linda's site!

If you’re an avid theatergoer, then you know that previews is where all the good shit happens. Cast changes, rewrites, new songs, different sets – and the occasional accident – it all seems to go down before the curtain “officially” comes up. No one knows this better than the folks over at Bombshell, who after one out-of-town preview performance in Boston have seen most of their show turn to complete shit.

Don’t worry – it’s nothing a good trip to church can’t fix.

It’s Episode 14, people. The last episode before the finale. “Previews.” And man is it a doozy. Come see it all unfold in the Reality Index:

Totally True

• Shirtless Dev! Plus 15
• Karen Cartwright tells Jessica about Derek and Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall. “Derek is doing it with the movie star?” Jessica asks. “Are you sure?” Plus 10 because everyone is always gossiping and plus 100 because Jessica refers to Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall as “the movie star.” As if this were Gilligan’s Island or something.
• “I’ll be there in 30 minutes,” Ivy Lynn tells Jessica on the phone. “He [Derek] won’t even notice.”  Awwwww Ivy. Poor little bitch girl.
• Dev and Ivy Lynn both agree not to tell anybody they hooked up. Which is hysterical because obviously Ivy Lynn is going to tell Sam, Tom, Bobby, Jessica, the picture of Bernadette Peters as her mom as Sally in Follies, and anyone else who’ll listen.
• Michael Swift arrives in Boston only to see Julia, Frank, and Leo outside the theater. They all have an awkward stare-off, and then Michael Swift sheepishly retreats into the theater. “Okay, am I the only one who enjoyed that?” Leo asks. No Leo. We did too. But we would have enjoyed it more if Frank had punched Michael Swift in the face. Again.
• Julia tells Tom she’s not speaking to him. Completely moronic childish behavior? Yup. Sounds like something Julia would do.
• Backstage at the Boston theater, we see posters for Mamma Mia!, Memphis, Catch Me If You Can, Les Miserables, Billy Elliot, something we don’t know that looks like Crazy For You, and American Idiot. This is seriously more television exposure Catch Me if You Can received than when it actually was open!
• Eileen to Derek, upon discovering his affair with Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall. “So you didn’t think you had enough on your hands? Ivy, Julia, Michael Swift, first preview… If this blows up in any way, I’ll strangle you.” We believe her.
• When Ivy Lynn walks into rehearsal, Jessica asks, “Hey, how are you?” in that condescending tone of voice people use when they already know the answer to that question. Plus 10.
• Also, Karen Cartwright confirms what Ivy Lynn knew would happen if she showed up late. “Nobody noticed,” she says. Cold as ice. 
• “Please don’t be nice to me,” Ivy Lynn tells Karen Cartwright. “I mean it, I’ll fall apart if you’re nice to me.” Ivy Lynn: so fragile!
• “This always happens,” Bobby tells us. “You go outta town and all hell breaks loose. I’m not even kidding.” The same thing happens to us when we take vacations. Except, you know, not at all.
• Derek refers to “History Is Made At Night” as “your favorite and mine.” We agree – we like that song very much.
• “Which one’s Ivy?” Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall asks. Plus 100K.
• “I just don’t want anyone to get hurt,” Karen Cartwright says. “Well let’s get out of show business then, Karen,” Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall replies. Aaaand scene!
• “Let Me Be Your Star” is once again playing every time Ivy Lynn looks into the mirror.
• Eileen Rand tells Tom and Julia, “I’m going to watch from the mezzanine. See you at interval.”  Yes and YES!
• The show begins with “Let Me Be Your Star.” Two lines into the song, Tom lets out a, “So far so good.” “We just started,” responds Julia.
• FRANK IS CRYING DURING “MR. AND MRS. SMITH!” BRIAN D’ARCY JAMES WITH A TEAR RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE, PEOPLE! PLUS EVERYTHING!
• Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall is complaining that Michael Swift missed a cue. “Is that why we rehearsed today?” she barks. Not even at intermission and already a diva fit? Sounds about right.  
• OMG MARC KUDISCH! OMG MARC KUDISCH! OMG MARC KUDISCH! PLAYING DARRYL ZANUCK! SINGING “DON’T SAY YES.” WITH THE BOYS IN TOWELS WE DIDN’T GET TO SEE WHEN CHRISTIAN BORLE REHEARSED THIS NUMBER! WE ARE DYING.
• DEAD. WE ARE DEAD.
• HOLY SHIT THIS NEXT NUMBER WITH IVY LYNN AND KAREN CARTWRIGHT AND ALL THE OTHER LADIES! IT’S SO GOOD! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO US SMASH? WE CAN’T BREATH HERE!
• Plus 50, BTW, for “I Want To Be A Smash” being the first number we didn’t hate Karen Cartwright in.
• Are we the only ones getting major 9 to 5 flashbacks with Megan Hilty and Marc Kudisch dancing around that office?
• Also, “I Want To Be A Smash?” Subtle reference there, Shaiman and Whittman. How  much do you bet they change the name of Bombshell to SMASH by the middle of Season 2?
• Ivy Lynn tells Karen Cartwright that she was good in “I Want To Be A Smash.” And Karen Cartwright says the same thing about Ivy Lynn. And then they hug! You guys! That was hella sweet!
• Marilyn dies, and they pan to the audience where some dude is checking his Playbill to see when the show’s over, and another dude is sleeping. This is the most realistic thing that has ever happened on SMASH.
• The show ends and no one claps. Some people even leave before the bows start. 
• “First preview – something big always goes wrong,” Bobby reminds the rest of the ensemble. “Like no applause?” asks Karen Cartwright. Plus 5.
• Karen Cartwright tells Dev that she trusts him. Spoiler alert – he’s cheated on you twice with two different girls in the span of two days. And he already told you about one of them. Oh Iowa… when will you learn?
• Ivy Lynn refers to Dev as “the famous Dev,” which is obnoxious and exactly something you’d say when you’re trying to cover up your affair with him.
• “You can’t end a musical with a suicide,” says Tom. He’s right – but we’ve wanted to kill ourselves after some shows.
• Eileen suggests ending the show by giving Marilyn a reunion with her younger self, Norma Jean. Even though the idea is shot down, we don’t mind this one.
• Julia has done her research on Marilyn, even quoting the HBO film with Ashley Judd! “I saw everything,” she says. “And in everything, she dies.”
• Eileen, like most producers, has some serious delusions of grandeur. “Bombshell is going to run forever,” she boasts. “And every night that audience is going to rise to its feet in a standing ovation. Now this is a 3-performance weekend. And we’re going to need that new ending by Monday morning. And that’s all there is to it.” And then she throws drinks in everyone’s faces.
• Sam’s back! He asks Tom to come to church with him. Tom should hope he doesn’t mean Leap of Faith.
• The more we think about this, the more we realize that Leslie Odom, Jr. is basically playing the same character in Leap of Faith as he is here on SMASH.
• Nick likes Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall in Bombshell. “I think she’s pretty good,” he says. “And appealing as hell.” Yeah Nick. We get it. You’re straight.
• Catch Me If You Can’s “Butter Outta Cream” is playing in the background in the lounge. Plus 15 because once again, this is more exposure the Catch Me score has ever gotten.
• Holy smacks! That’s Marc Shaiman playing the piano at the lounge! And Scott Wittman in the audience. Woohoo!
• Anjelica Houston singing “September Song” is one of the most beautiful moments we’ve had on SMASH so far. Pure class.
• Karen Cartwright and Dev are lying in bed, facing one another, talking. “Do you remember when we met?” Dev asks. AND THEN WE BARF ALL OVER THE PLACE.
• Seriously – Dev and Karen Cartwright are the most boring, awful couple we’ve ever seen on television. Ross and Rachel they are not.
• Now that tech is over, Karen Cartwright is ready to get married! We wonder – does the “I’m in tech” excuse give a free pass to all affairs?
• We don’t like this exchange, but it seems like it’s something that would happen:

Derek: Rebecca needs my attention and I’m giving it to her. Is there any other approach?

Ivy: Is that all this is to you?

Derek: We’re opening a show. And you and I are professionals.

Ivy: Yeah, yeah we are.

Derek: That’s why we do well together

• Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall is on the phone with her shrink, complaining. “No one applauded,” she cries. “No I’m not speaking metaphorically, I’m speaking literally. I died out there. I’m alone in Boston.” HAAHAAHA.
• “There’s always someone coming up the back of you,” Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall tells Karen Cartwright. “Marilyn knew it. Nearly drove her crazy in the end.” Nearly drove Ivy Lynn crazy halfway through!  
• SOMEONE POISONED UMA THURMAN REBECCA DUVALL! And by someone, we mean Ellis, who’s the only viable suspect (though they’ll probably blame Karen Cartwright). We’d be shocked by these plot twists had they not showed them in the previews 100 times.
• We’re guessing Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall was poisoned from peanuts in her smoothie. After all, they mentioned that peanut allergy 30 times in one episode. You kind of knew it meant something.
• WE WERE RIGHT. CAUSE OF REST: PEANUTS IN THE SMOOTHIE!
• Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall is in the hospital, so they decide to cancel two days worth of performances. It’s like Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman all over again.
• Derek tells the cast “No tweeting,” and it feels like he’s yelling at us.
• Everyone decides to go to church with Sam. “I could use a little faith,” Jessica says. Oh shit – they are going to Leap of Faith. #GetOffThatBuss
• Eileen says she’ll handle the New York press. Cue cameo appearance by Michael Riedel?
• Karen Cartwright throws her script on the ground so we all know that she’s stressed out.
• They don’t rehearse understudies until after previews. Plus 10!
• Christian Borle is playing the piano and we swoon.
• That whole scene between Julia and Tom was dead on. From Julia blaming Tom for Michael Swift trying to kiss her, to Tom telling Julia that he loved her and stood by her and didn’t condemn her, to Julia quitting. Ugh. So good. And although we’re obviously Team Tom on this one, we still think Julia’s behavior falls in line with her character. Pitch perfect.
• Plus, can we talk about Christian Borle’s acting in that scene? He was sooo good. THAT FACE! WE WANT TO KISS THAT FACE!
• The hotline! Plus 10!
• Ivy Lynn gets everyone to do shots. Plus 20.
• “Is it okay to be hung-over for church,” asks Jessica. Preferred, actually. 
• I love church!” says Karen Cartwright. OF COURSE YOU DO.
• Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall decides not to come back to the show. DOES THAT MEAN HER 5 EPISODE ARC IS FINALLY OVER? YAY!!!!

Oh Hell No

• Gossip Girl’s Josh Safran hasn’t even taken over as SMASH’s show runner yet, and already everyone is sleeping with everyone else. What are they going to do next season?
• Why do people on TV always sleep with their sheets around their waist? When we’re in bed, we snuggle under the covers like there’s no tomorrow. Aren’t they cold?
• That is not Boston. At least they could have faked a better outdoor shot.
• The Bombshell artwork is terrible. Like, Rebecca bad.
• Eileen Rand is on the phone, barking orders. “I needed those costumes yesterday.” No Eileen. You’re the producer of the show. You wouldn’t be on the phone doing this. That’s what Ellis is for.
• Karen Cartwright outright asks Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall if she’s sleeping with Derek. On the stage. Right before final dress. We don’t care how “green” she is, nobody is that dumb.
• We see that Playbill you’re holding in your hand, Tom. And we’re here to tell you that there wouldn’t be a Playbill in Boston.
• Obviously Bombshell is not sold out. Because even though the bartender has a ticket, Eileen ignores it and tells him he’ll just sit with her. Clearly there are a few open seats up in the mezz.
• Karen Cartwright is trying to get Dev on the phone minutes before curtain. It’s her first show. Surely she’d be focused on that.
• We’re assuming “I Want To Be A Smash” is the song that was cut from Heaven on Earth? How the hell did that fit into that show?
• Everything about Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall playing Marilyn as she’s dying is an “Oh Hell No.” Except for the set, which is kinda awesome.
• No one in the audience stood at the end of Bombshell. That’s bullshit because people give standing ovations for really shitty shows all the time.
• We love that Eileen thinks Bombshell will run forever. But nothing runs forever. Cats had “now and forever” in its tagline and even that closed.
• “Are you directing now Ellis?” Eileen asks. “I’m producing,” Ellis responds. “Someone has to.” AND THEN EILEEN DOESN’T SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! WTF?
• Also, Ellis, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WANTED UMA THURMAN REBECCA DUVALL IN THE FIRST PLACE!
• Julia just spent all this time talking to Tom about the new ending, but then she ignores him in the lobby of her hotel? Grow up. 
• Great message here, SMASH. If your boyfriend cheats on you and then tells you about it and you get into a huge fight and he disappears for a day, you should totally go back to him and apologize and say it was all your fault because you just needed some space. MINUS 100.
• How do you speak metaphorically about no one applauding you? Come on shrink, you should know better than to ask stupid questions.
• Julia asks to slow down this train. “Karen has had no time on that stage,” she says. And you, Julia, have had no time at rehearsal!
• Dev left Karen Cartwright’s engagement ring in Ivy Lynn’s room. How did he just realize that now? Wouldn’t you notice if you were missing a super expensive ring? Oh, we know. He wouldn’t. BECAUSE HE’S THE WORST PERSON EVER. Besides Ellis, which goes without saying.
• Karen is struggling because she wants Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall to be okay, but she also wants the part. “Hi, I’m Karen Cartwright. I’m from Iowa and I’m nice.” WE GET IT SMASH. KAREN’S NICE. But she also wants to be Marilyn, and any actress in her shoes would be smiling from ear to ear when the star went into the hospital. 
• When she finally starts rehearsing, Karen Cartwright sings “Let’s Be Bad” to herself. Didn’t she tell Ivy Lynn that she knew that number inside and out a few weeks ago?
• Is Julia’s clam made of gold or something? Why is Michael Swift obsessed with her?
• Uma Thurman Rebecca Duvall is coming back and Karen Cartwright is “relieved.” What a lame-o.
• Julia, Frank, and Leo come to church too. Aren’t they Jewish? She’s a lyricist and he’s a chemist. Jew. Jew.
• Minus 100 for the priest not being played by Raúl Esparza.
• Minus another 100 for the song not being “Step Into The Light.”
• Sam has been back in town for two weeks and already he’s singing lead in his church again?
• And with Karen Cartwright, no less? When did they have time to rehearse this? The girl couldn’t even get her Marilyn lines/songs down. And she rehearsed that for 6 months! Maybe she should spend less time learning these gospel numbers and more time learning the show she’s being paid to do!
• Church is over and so, apparently, are everyone’s problems. Church solves everything! Minus 10.
• “Is Rebecca Duvall going to be back?” asks Sam’s mother. HOLY EXPOSITION BATMAN!
• Julia and Tom say they’re sorry in unison. And it’s kind of a let down because we don’t really believe it.
• “I’m not as ambitious and everyone else apparently is,” says Karen Cartwright. NO SHIT. How is it that you’re just figuring this out?
• No one has any idea who put the peanut in the smoothie?!? MAYBE IT’S THE GUY WHO MADE THE SMOOTHIE!?!? #idiots
• Aaaand we’re back where we fucking started. Who’s going to be Marilyn: Karen Cartwright or Ivy Lynn? It’s like déjà vu all over again!

Miss anything? You know the deal - leave us a comment!  

The 66th Annual Tony Awards Nominations [theater]

I've been tracking them for four weeks now, and finally they're here. Take it in: the nominees for the 66th Annual Tony Awards! Lots of surprises to be had here (Master Class! Venus in Fur! Ron Raines! Cynthia Nixon! Laura Osnes! Michael Cumpsty! Elizabeth A. Davis! Spencer Kayden! Condola Rashad!). But all good things, with very few snubs (sorry Raul Esparza and Stacy Keach). Anyway, read 'em:

Best Musical

• Leap of Faith
• Newsies 
• Nice Work If You Can Get It 
• Once 

Best Play

• Clybourne Park 
• Other Desert Cities 
• Peter and the Starcatcher 
• Venus in Fur

Best Revival of a Musical

• Evita
• Follies
• The Gershwins' Porgy and Bess
• Jesus Christ Superstar

Best Revival of a Play

• Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman
• Gore Vidal's The Best Man
• Master Class
• Wit

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role in a Musical

• Danny Burstein - Follies
• Jeremy Jordan - Newsies
• Steve Kazee - Once
• Norm Lewis - The Gershwins' Porgy and Bess
• Ron Raines - Follies

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Musical

• Jan Maxwell - Follies
• Audra McDonald - The Gershwins' Porgy and Bess
• Cristin Milioti - Once
• Kelli O'Hara - Nice Work If You Can Get It
• Laura Osnes - Bonnie & Clyde

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role in a Play

• James Corden - One Man, Two Guvnors
• Philip Seymour Hoffman - Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman
• James Earl Jones - Gore Vidal's The Best Man
• Frank Langella - Man and Boy
• John Lithgow - The Columnist

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Play

• Nina Arianda - Venus in Fur
• Tracie Bennett - End of the Rainbow
• Stockard Channing - Other Desert Cities
• Linda Lavin - The Lyons
• Cynthia Nixon - Wit

 Best Performance by an Actor in a Featured Role in a Musical

• Phillip Boykin - The Gershwin's Porgy and Bess 
• Michael Cerveris - Evita
• David Alan Grier - The Gershwin’s Porgy and Bess
• Michael McGrath - Nice Work If You Can Get It 
• Josh Young - Jesus Christ Superstar

Best Performance by an Actress in a Featured Role in a Musical

• Elizabeth A. Davis - Once 
• Jayne Houdyshell - Follies
• Judy Kaye - Nice Work If You Can Get It
• Jessie Mueller - On A Clear Day You Can See Forever
• Da'Vine Joy Randolph - Ghost the Musical

 Best Performance by an Actor in a Featured Role in a Play

• Christian Borle - Peter and the Starcatcher
• Michael Cumpsty - End of the Rainbow
• Tom Edden - One Man, Two Guvnors
• Andrew Garfield - Death of a Salesman
• Jeremy Shamos - Clybourne Park

Best Performance by an Actress in a Featured Role in a Play

• Linda Emond - Death of a Salesman
• Spencer Kayden - Don't Dress For Dinner
• Celia Keenan-Bolger - Peter and the Starcatcher
• Judith Light - Other Desert Cities
• Condola Rashad - Stick Fly

Read the rest of the nominees here!

The SMASH Reality Index: Episode 13 [television]

Inspired by NYMag.com’s brilliant Reality Index recaps, Linda Buchwald (@PataphysicalSci) and I have teamed up to bring you our take on what’s keepin’ it real and what’s faking it each week on SMASH. Follow the 'caps here, or on Linda's site!

First of all, some crazy news to report. Linda and I saw Peter and the Starcatcher a few weeks ago. Afterwards, we introduced ourselves to Christian Borle and guess what? HE TOTALLY READS THE SMASH REALITY INDEX! AHHH! So heeeey Christian! Hope you’re doing well. Congrats on the Tony nomination that you probably got this morning. We love you. Call us.

Now on to the goods. Episode 13: Tech. The final countdown to the out-of-town opening of “Bombshell.” Things, honestly, could be going a little bit better. Rebecca Duvall (Uma Thurman) is a nervous wreck. Our Joe DiMaggio (Tony Yazbeck) has left to do a pilot, and it looks like Michael Swift (Will Chase) is the only option to come back. And Julia (Debra Messing) is threatening to quit – even though the book is still a total mess. All of this is, of course, happening while the set, lighting, and costumes of “Bombshell” get worked out. Meaning Derek Wells (Jack Davenport) is super stressed. We wonder what he’ll do to relieve that…

Perhaps a trip through the Reality Index will help?

Totally True

• Christian Borle and Leslie Odom Jr. sing “Another Op’nin,’ Another Show.” In harmony. As if it’s no big deal. And they look and sound lovely. And we melt.
• Hey Grand Central Station! Plus 10!
• The theater in Boston has touring posters for American Idiot, Catch Me If You Can, and Wicked. If this was 2004, Dave would totally be ushering at that theater.
• “Another Op’nin,’ Another Show” ends and Derek screams “Oh bloody hell.” We presume this is because the song ended and not because the lights went out.
• Julia stares at Frank in bed while he’s sleeping. Because if we were in bed with Brian d’Arcy James, we’d do the same thing.
• Ivy Lynn points out to Derek that the problem he’s having with the set is actually a problem that can be fixed through choreography. Ivy Lynn may be selfish and a bit of a diva, but she clearly learned something over there at “Heaven on Earth.”
• Karen Cartwright tells Dev that they’re working “10 out of 12s.” Which is totally a real thing! It’s when a cast works 10-hours during a 12-hour period, with only 2-hours of break in-between. In this case, 10am-10pm. “And then we go out,” she explains. That’s probably a real thing too.
• The desk is too heavy so they need to use smart casters. We’re not sure what this is, but we looked it up and it seemed techy and legit. Plus 10?
• Tom wants to reuse a cut song from “Heaven on Earth” in “Bombshell.” This happens all the time, we imagine. After all, the entire score of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is made up of cut songs from U2 albums.
• Derek doesn’t want to put a new song in at tech. This seems reasonable, especially when you have to stage the whole goddamn show. Besides, that’s what previews are for!
• Ted drops out of “Bombshell” to do a pilot. Plus 10.
• And his TV show will probably get cancelled. Plus 20.
• Ted says “Bombshell” is great as he’s running out the door. Plus 30.
• P.S. HEY TONY YAZBECK! Plus 100!
• Derek knew about Michael and Julia. Because there are no secrets in the theater.
• Dennis is Ivy’s new gay best friend. Normally it would be Sam, but he’s in a relationship with Tom now and obviously doesn’t have time for her. Besides, cliques among theater casts happen soooo quickly.
• “It’s been over a week. Is it time to make it official?” Leo complains. Typical teenager – pissed at your parents when they’re breaking up, pissed at your parents when they get back together. All he wanted was for them to get back together and now he’s annoyed about it. Go smoke some pot and shut up.
• Derek asks Ivy Lynn, “What would I do without you?” While the spotlight is on them. And again, we see Ivy Lynn staring into space, planning their future together. This time, with babies.
• Ellis sees Ivy Lynn eavesdropping. “That’s usually my thing.” Touché , Ellis.
• At least we got about 20 minutes into the episode before Ellis showed up. Thank god for small favors.
•  “No civilians during tech. We’re at war. They won’t understand,” Jessica says to Karen Cartwright. Accurate.  
• Slutty RJ brings Dev some bourbon, knowing fully well that Karen Cartwright is away and he’s home alone. We could learn a thing or two from this chick.  
• Eileen does what Tom couldn’t do and tells Julia “we have to bring back Michael Swift.” She’s the only one with balls on the entire show.
• “You’re taking this far too personally,” Eileen reminds Julia. Then she throws a drink in her face.
• “Michael is not coming back,” Julia barks. “End of discussion.” Then Julia storms out of the room. Because sometimes in the theater, the creatives are just as dramatic as the actors.
• RJ and Dev toast “to rock bottom.” Then they make out. Again, we’re taking notes here.
• THIS:

Dev [while on top of RJ, making out with her]: I’m sorry I can’t.

RJ: Feels to me like you can.

• “We’ve seen actors come in the night before and be great,” Julia tells Tom. We’ve seen actors rehearse for months and be terrible, so we suppose that’s possible.
• Plus 10 for Julia telling Frank the truth.
• We agree with Tom. Intro music into “History at Night” is a terrible idea.
• Ivy is pissed that Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman is singing “Happy Birthday” to Derek. Because now she’s sloppy thirds. 
• Aaand Ivy’s back to confiding in her best friend, Sam. See how quickly these things change?
• Sam’s parents find out about his involvement with “Bombshell” because of a publicity photo in The Globe. Plus 10.
• Eileen Rand speaks the truth! “I’m very sensitive to this situation, Julia. But ultimately it was your mistake. Now I don’t think it’s fair to keep an entire production hostage… I have millions on the line!”
• Tom and Derek disagree about the book. “It’s not terrible,” says Tom. “Do not tell me it is not terrible – it is truly dreadful,” says Derek. Yes Derek, we agree. The dialogue in that scene was worse than Rebecca Duvall’s Uma Thurman’s singing.
• “I am not doing 3 weeks of previews without a book writer or a lyricist,” barks Derek. No shocker there!
• “Our leading lady doesn’t sweat, she glows.” Plus 25!
• In order to cover for Rebecca Duvall’s Uma Thurman’s long costume change, Derek gets Ivy Lynn and Karen Cartwright to pull off Rebecca Duvall’s Uma Thurman’s gloves on stage. Plus 10 because you don’t get to be a top director by not being able to come up with creative solutions and plus 100 because this obviously pisses off Ivy Lynn. (“Wait, we’re taking her gloves off for her?”).
• When Ivy Lynn questions Derek’s decision to have her remove Rebecca Duvall’s Uma Thurma’s gloves, he says, “You heard me. Do it.” This is probably why Ivy Lynn fell for him in the first place.
• Dev brings Karen Cartwright flowers. Because that makes up for the fact that he cheated on her.  
• Another tour poster in this Boston theater! Million Dollar Quartet!
• Eileen Rand is upset that if Julia quits, they’d have to get a new book writer. Honestly, would that be a bad thing?
• Eileen Rand has a thing for know-nothing lowlife bartenders. Us too!
• Tom tells Sam’s family that “dancers are one injury away from financial disasters.” This is totally true – but we’ve also seen Center Stage, and Erik totally makes the ballet company even though he’s on crutches.  
• Derek and Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman make out after Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman asks Derek “Why is it so hard to get a damn compliment out of you?” She and Ivy Lynn are the same person.
• “You’re not at your post,” Ivy Lynn tells Ellis. Wow – we might actually like not hate Ellis when he’s around Ivy.
• Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman’s assistant is guarding the door to her dressing room, and asks Ellis, “Can you handle this?” when Ivy Lynn approaches. YESSSSS.  
• Dev proposes to Karen Cartwright. Because that really makes up for the fact that he cheated on her.
• Remember in the pilot when Karen Cartwright’s acting ambitions were being criticized by her parents at dinner and Dev was all like, “she’s a wonderful actress” and we all swooned? Well now he’s an asshole and we hate him.
• Sam tells Tom, “This is what theater is. It is joy one day and then gone the next. It’s like a religion.” WE BELIEVE AND WE WORSHIP IT WEEKLY!
• Tom tells Sam, “You are my best self.” And even though he’s saying it to Sam and even though he’s clearly playing a character, we pretend Christian Borle is saying it to us.
• Sam’s brother teases him when he kisses Tom. Our brothers would do the same thing. Though if we were kissing Christian Borle, we wouldn’t stop when they started their shit-talking.
• The whole ensemble is having a party in the hotel room. If we were staying there, we would have probably called security.
• Jessica and Bobby still refer to Karen Cartwright as “Iowa.” And we laugh every time.
• Ivy Lynn confronts Karen Cartwright about Derek cheating on her with Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman. “She’s your new best friend. You expect me to believe you didn’t know?” Ivy Lynn would find a way to blame Karen Cartwright for this.
• Ivy Lynn imagines all the women Derek has slept with, while singing Mary J. Blige’s “I’m Goin’ Down.” Damn if it isn’t a flawless performance. Even thought she’s totally drunk.
• Julia is eating peanut butter and banana in bed. We do that all the time!
• Frank and Leo encourage Julia to go to Chicago. This probably wouldn’t happen, but we like the idea of seeing Brian d’Arcy James for at least two more weeks. And who knows – maybe Leo will get left behind, Home Alone-style. [fingers crossed]

Oh Hell No!

• We understand trying to use this “Another Op’nin,’ Another Show” performance as background music, but we’d rather watch Christian Borle and Leslie Odom Jr. sing than watch Katharine McPhee and her ridiculous green pants stand around looking surprised that Grand Central Station is big. 
• Megan Hilty packs a picture of her mom. Which is weird. But her mom is Bernadette Peters dressed as Sally in Follies. Which is weirder.
• Isn’t it a little soon for Julia and Frank to be sharing a bed again? Surely Julia would be on the couch or something…
• The entire cast meets in Grand Central. Have you ever tried to meet someone there? It’s miserable. And not that easy. And in large groups like that, someone always is late or buying a ticket and totally misses the train.
• Also, wouldn’t the cast of a Broadway-bound musical heading for an out-of-town tryout all be on a bus? Especially since there are no trains from Grand Central to Boston.
• Derek tells Ivy, “I love you,” and OMFG. Way too soon buddy. You’ve got a stage 5 clinger on your hands here. Do you know what she’s going to do when she hears that? Bitch is planning. the. wedding.
• Ugh. Performances haven’t even started yet and already Karen Cartwright is acting like a diva.
• Karen Cartwright complains to Dev that his call woke her and her roommate. Then she says that it’s 9 a.m. And they have to be at rehearsal at 10. So basically, Dev did you a favor by waking you up. Stop being such a B—in room 23.
• Dev is so lame. The only thing that’s tolerable about it is that every time we see him, we think of him in that Bollywood number.
• Derek thought Tom was Linda. There’s some underlying homophobia there, but we’re too tired to really explore it.
• Wait – does that mean there’s going to be no Tony Yazbeck on the show anymore? That’s bullshit! We’d gladly trade Michael Swift, Ellis, Leo, Dev, and Karen Cartwright for more Tony Yazbeck.
• Karen wouldn’t be in the same dressing room as Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman. Trying on her wigs.
• Aww Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman is scared. And she tells Karen all her secrets. Minus 100 because there’s no way in hell she’d be that vulnerable.
• And why do we keep seeing Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman alone? First on the stage with the ghost light? Now in her dressing room? She’s a huge star. Where’s her assistant? That person would be there at all times.
• Julia is bad at making pancakes! Women with careers can’t do anything right around the house! Minus 50!  
• Sorry Julia. No matter how bad things are with your personal life, you’d be there when your show is in tech. YOU’RE THE FUCKING LYRICIST AND BOOK WRITER.
• Derek tells Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman that Ted dropped out. In front of the whole cast. And then tries to rationalize his behavior when Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman gets pissed about it. Minus 50 because that was totally unprofessional, and never would have actually happened. Ellis would have leaked it by now!  
• Derek dismisses Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman by sending her to wardrobe. Quiet woman – go look at clothes! Minus 50.
• Randomly Ivy stands in when Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman leaves. Shouldn’t that have been Karen Cartwright – her UNDERSTUDY?
• Derek’s speech to Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman was completely ridiculous. “Marilyn was afraid of being a joke. That feeling of not being authentic. Of having something to prove? Use it. Oh, and if I were you. I’d think about using your star power. Don’t throw it around. Revel in it. Enjoy it. It’s your escape from the terror.” That shit may work on Ivy Lynn, but not on Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman. Also, BARF x10.
• We’re confused: is Michael Swift supposed to be that big of a star? The last thing he was in was a show a La Mama. Why can’t the understudy just play Joe DiMaggio?
• “Do you want me to beg? This is me begging,” Derek tells Tom. Derek would never even pretend to beg.
• Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman is the worst Marilyn Monroe ever. Even Karen Cartwright would be a better Marilyn!
• BREAKING: Lisa Rinna is hawking Depends underwear. WTF!
• The “Bombshell” set is ugly. What we would have given to see some of the work Derek and crew did with set designers.
• The “Bombshell” costumers aren’t that great either.
• Julia quits because they hire Michael Swift. This is a total over-reaction and complete waste of everyone’s time. OBVIOUSLY SHE’S GOING BACK TO THE SHOW. THERE’S NO REAL CONFLICT HERE, REBECK.
• Of course Sam’s dad is not supportive of his dancing career – even though he’s clearly supporting himself. Dads are never supportive of their sons being dancers. Haven’t you seen Billy Elliot? Or Glee? Minus 10 because stereotypes are stupid.
• Sam’s family owns a huge house in Boston. And Sam’s father owns a paint shop. That’s a lot of cans of paint he must have sold to pay for that place!
• “Marilyn glowed in the light… she was luminous. Like you.” – Derek to Rebecca Duvall Uma Thurman. Minus 200.
• This whole Karen vs. Ivy sing-off is ridiculous and never would be happening this close to the first preview. Go to sleep people! Save your voices!
• In the sing off, Ellis is “Team Ivy,” “Jessica is “Team Karen,” and we’re team “make this stop.”
• Dev thinks that not sleeping with RJ was noble. And that by telling Karen Cartwright that, she’ll not only want to stay with him, but will also want to marry him. WE HATE YOU DEV. WE ALL FUCKING HATE YOU.
• OMG IVY AND DEV ARE GOING TO SLEEP TOGETHER! WTF?!

Okay kids - how'd we do this week?

30

i am 30 years old.

not today, mind you. that happened officially last thursday (the 26th, for those interested in recording it for next year). but today it's just starting to settle in. i'm 30 years old. a whole different bracket on the marketing demographic branch. a whole different number to write on the online dating sites. a whole different decade of my life.

shit.

when i turned 29, i thought that i'd spend the entire year dreading turning 30. but the truth of the matter is, i never really noticed it. i kind of forgot about it all. until january, when all of a sudden it was 2012 and i had four months left of my 20s and wtf was i going to do.

i don't know why it gave me such anxiety, but it really did. i think i had this sense of feeling like i hadn't accomplished everything i was supposed to accomplish by the time i turned 30. like i didn't have the job i ideally wanted or the apartment i ideally wanted or the boyfriend i ideally wanted. i hadn't traveled enough. i hadn't done enough drugs. i hadn't fucked enough people. i was living a settled life by myself where i basically just watched tv all the time and goofed off on the internet and hung out with my friends, and now i was 30; the time in your life when people settle down and buy a house and start a family. and i wasn't close to doing any of that.

it's ridiculous, really. and over the past four months, i've examined this terrible habit of mine. of seeing anything outside of my plan as a disappointment. and guess what? i got the fuck over it.

i was really insecure in my 20s. and i refuse to let that shit go down in my 30s.

so here i am. cool, calm, confident, and changed. ready to take on the next chapter of my life (which i hear from everyone else is totally cool). and i'm pumped. pumped to see what's ahead. pumped because i spent so much time in my 20s getting to know myself and i'm ready to spend my 30s getting to know someone else.

it's helped that i have a kick-ass group of friends, who have continued to support and inspire me, and who were there to help me celebrate 30.

on thursday, my best friend dot and i spent the day together. we went to lunch and we went shopping and we saw celebrities walking down the street (andrew garfield and a very blonde emma stone, holding hands, if you're interested), and we basically laughed and smiled until we couldn't laugh and smile anymore. and then i came to work and murph and keri and crew had decorated my office with 30 balloons and flowers and keri made me a killer funfetti birthday cookie cake and my team had left cards and cupcakes and we had birthday cake and it was super sweet and great. and then lucky from the craptacular and i went to frankie's for dinner and ate our faces off and it was just perfect.

the real celebration came on saturday, when i gathered together 30 of my closest friends and family for an intimate dinner party celebration at stuzzi. we at food and made toasts and then met up with people afterwards at a bar and then went to another bar when that bar sucked and then went and sang karaoke until 4am. it was a totally surreal experience, having all these people from different corners of my life gathered together in one space. and it's going to take me a few days to really absorb all the love that was in that room. and to really believe that i was worthy of it all. but holy shit was it a good time.

sidenote: to catch a glipse of what it was like, check out this video that greg (@30secondlife) made:

it was just. that. classy.

anyway, as i sat at that table on saturday night, i looked around at all the amazing people to my left and my right, and i wondered how the fuck i got so lucky. i don't consider myself to be the smartest or the funniest or the cutest guy around. but i'm confident that i'm a good person and a good friend. that i know how to communicate with people and build relationships and sustain friendships. man, are the people in my life the cream of the crop. thank you all for everything you have done guys. you are all amazing people, and i am so lucky to know you.

this is by far the sappiest post i've ever written. and the first time in my life i've ever written anything on this site (or on other sites) that's this personal. but i felt like it needed to be said.

i am 30 years old now. let's kick it.

Tony Tracker 2012: The Final Countdown [theater]

Well here we go. By this time Tuesday, we’ll know exactly who’s nominated for the 66th Annual Tony Awards. For the past four weeks, I’ve been weighing through the reviews, industry buzz, social media scope, and fanboy/fangirl chatter to pick up on who’s up and who’s down in nomination likelihood. (Check out Week 1, Week 2, and Week 3 of the “Tony Tracker” if you need a refresher). Now here we go – the final predictions. Read ‘em through, debate me in the comments section, and check back here Tuesday to see who you should be tweeting your congratulations to and who you should probably leave alone for a few days.

BEST MUSICAL

UP: Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark and Bonnie & Clyde. With Leap of Faith and Ghost the Musical both opening to tremendously bad reviews, the fourth slot for Best Musical suddenly became a wide open race. On first glance, Bonnie & Clyde has the advantage here. After all, it picked up Drama League, Drama Desk, and Outer Critics Circle Awards nominations for “best musical.” The thing is, when compared to those previously mentioned shit shows, Bonnie & Clyde doesn’t look that bad. Being closed helps. You forget about all that sloppy storytelling and instead fondly remember Jeremy Jordan and Laura Osnes – both who would probably be available to slip back into their old duds and perform a number come Tony night. But I wouldn’t count Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark out just yet. It has the grosses of a big fat hit, and the theater community would love to drag it out to beat it up a little more. Hell, even Riedel thinks it has a shot – and that dude’s attacked Spider-Man more than the Green Goblin has. Either way, it should be an interesting shot.

DOWN: Leap of Faith. Holy shit was that a mess.  

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Bonnie & Clyde; Newsies; Nice Work If You Can Get It; Once

BEST REVIVAL OF A MUSICAL

UP: Follies. Closed shows always run the risk of totally falling off the radar. But with Drama Desk, Drama League, and Outer Critics Circle Awards nominations for “best revival of a musical,” there’s no chance that’s going to happen to Follies.

DOWN: Godspell. Oh bless the Lord my soul, it’s not going to happen.

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Evita; Follies; The Gershwin’s Porgy and Bess; Godspell

BEST PLAY

UP: One Man, Two Guvnors. It may not have gotten any Olivier Awards love, but One Man, Two Guvnors picked up ‘best play” nominations from the Drama League and Outer Critics Circle. The critics loved it, it appears to be a box-office success, and even though the marketing campaign is a little lackluster, it’s getting major word-of-mouth action. I’d say that’s enough to get it the nomination it deserves.

DOWN: Venus in Fur. It was a critical hit and box office success when it first opened Off Broadway at the Classic Stage Company in 2012. The same critical buzz and box office rush carried it through its Broadway premiere at the Friedman back in November 2011 – and through its move to the Lyceum in February 2012. But in recent weeks, other shows have opened and stolen Venus’s spotlight. (Had it opened in the Spring, it may be a different story.) And with its limited engagement ending June 17, and four-star reviews for One Man, Two Guvnors and Peter and the Starcatcher, I think Venus is going to get the shaft.

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Clybourne Park; One Man, Two Guvnors; Other Desert Cities; Peter and the Starcatcher

BEST REVIVAL OF A PLAY

UP: Wit. Cynthia Nixon may be out of the Best Actress race, but there’s no doubt that this stunning production will make the cut.

DOWN: Man and Boy. No love from the Drama Desk, Drama League, or Outer Critics Circle folks. Sorry Frank Langella!

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Death of a Salesman; Gore Vidal’s The Best Man; A Streetcar Named Desire; Wit

BEST ACTOR IN A MUSICAL

UP: Paul Nolan (Jesus Christ Superstar). If Esparza falls, that fifth spot is wide open. And while Reeve Carney (Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark), Ron Raines (Follies), and Matthew Broderick (Nice Work If You Can Get It) have all been rumored to snatch that last spot, I wouldn’t count out Paul Nolan, who’s giving a pretty wonderful Broadway debut.

DOWN: Raúl Esparza (Leap of Faith). Not since Taboo have I seen reviews this bad for a Raúl Esparza show. But the most surprising thing about Leap’s bad reviews is how many of them were directed at Esparza himself. It’s as if everyone was slapping him in the face at once. He still has a lot going in his favor though. 1. He’s a bona fide Broadway star who’s originating a new role on Broadway. 2. Other actors have won this award for roles in critically-panned shows (see last year’s Norbert Leo Butz win for Catch Me If You Can). And 3. People are still totally sore that he didn’t win for Company, and are itching to fix that. While I doubt he’d ever win, he’s in the most trouble here.

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Danny Burstein, Follies; Raúl Esparza (Leap of Faith); Jeremy Jordan (Newsies); Steve Kazee, (Once); Norm Lewis, (The Gershwin’s Porgy and Bess)

BEST ACTOR IN A PLAY

UP: James Corden (One Man, Two Guvnors). Based on the rave reviews he received last week, I think Mr. Corden will have a lot of reasons to celebrate Tuesday.

DOWN: James Earl Jones (Gore Vidal’s The Best Man). While The Tony Awards Administration Committee ruled a bunch of above-the-title stars from Gore Vidal’s The Best Man to be eligible in the featured actress/actor play categories, James Earl Jones wasn’t one of them. While he’s giving an outstanding performance, it’s a tight category this year, and the stage legend is being outshined by his co-star, John Larroquette. This might be as tight as a race as the show itself!

PREDICTED NOMINEES: James Corden (One Man, Two Guvnors); Philip Seymour Hoffman (Death of a Salesman); Stacy Keach (Other Desert Cities); John Larroquette (Gore Vidal's The Best Man); John Lithgow (The Columnist)

BEST FEATURED ACTOR IN A MUSICAL

UP: Patrick Page (Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark). For those who’ve seen Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark (either version 1 or 2), you kinda have to hand it to Patrick Page. He’s sure making the most out of his character, the Green Goblin, stealing just about every scene he’s in. Page has been playing the role for over a year now, and is a loyal player in the community. Plus, he nabbed a Drama Desk and Outer Critics Circle Awards nominations already. If Tony nominators wanted to give any love to Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, this is certainly the category.

DOWN: David Alan Grier (The Gershwin’s Porgy and Bess). Snubbed by the Drama Desks, Drama League, and Outer Critics Circle in lieu of Phillip Boykin. Looks like all this time, I’ve been betting on the wrong Porgy and Bess featured player.

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Phillip Boykin (The Gershwin’s Porgy and Bess); Michael Cerveris (Evita); Ricky Martin (Evita); Michael McGrath (Nice Work If You Can Get It); Patrick Page (Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark)

BEST FEATURED ACTOR IN A PLAY

UP: Tom Edden (One Man, Two Guvnors). Rave reviews plus Drama Desk and Outer Critics Circle Awards nominations equals one very happy Tom Edden come Tuesday morning.

DOWN: Hamish Linklater (Seminar). Completely snubbed by the Drama Desk, Drama League, and Outer Critics Circle folks – and not even in the show anymore – I think it might be hard for Hamish Linklater to get the buzz he needs to secure a nomination.

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Christian Borle (Peter and the Starcatcher); Michael Esper (The Lyons); Tom Edden (One Man, Two Guvnors); Andrew Garfield (Death of a Salesman); Jeremy Shamos (Clybourne Park)

BEST ACTRESS IN A MUSICAL

UP: Bernadette Peters (Follies). She nabbed a Drama Desk Award nomination for her turn in Follies, and she’s a surefire Broadway legend. Not transferring to the L.A. production of Follies is a missed opportunity to remind people how brilliant she was as Sally. But a thin category mixed with some major disdain for Elena Roger should give Peters the edge here

DOWN: Caissie Levy (Ghost the Musical). It was always going to be a stretch to get Levy the nomination for Ghost the Musical. But those reviews put her way out of the running. Sad too, since she’s super great.

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Jan Maxwell (Follies); Audra McDonald (The Gershwin’s Porgy and Bess), Cristin Milioti (Once); Kelli O’Hara (Nice Work If You Can Get It); Bernadette Peters (Follies)

BEST ACTRESS IN A PLAY

UP: Nicole Ari Parker (A Streetcar Named Desire). Though buzz was quiet on her to begin with, an Outer Critics Circle Awards nomination and stellar reviews should get Nicole Ari Parker the nomination she so deserves.

DOWN: Jennifer Lim (Chinglish). Lim also scored an Outer Critics Circle Awards nomination, and has been featured on a lot of critic’s top lists. If her show was still running (or ran longer), she’d probably have a chance. Right now, any inclusion of Lim in the mix is just wishful thinking.

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Nina Arianda (Venus in Fur); Stockard Channing (Other Desert Cities); Tracie Bennett (End of the Rainbow); Linda Lavin (The Lyons); Nicole Ari Parker (A Streetcar Named Desire)

BEST FEATURED ACTRESS IN A MUSICAL

UP: Melissa van der Schyff (Bonnie & Clyde). She scored Drama Desk and Outer Critics Circle Awards nominations for her turn as Clyde’s uptight sister-in-law in Bonnie & Clyde – and her name has been brought up countless times on critic’s best-of lists. If there’s one person from Bonnie & Clyde who’ll secure a nomination, Melissa van der Schyff will be it.

DOWN: Elaine Page (Follies). Elaine Page might be the bigger “name” out of the Follies featured ladies, but I wouldn’t count out Jayne Houdyshell, who snatched an Outstanding Featured Actress in a Musical nomination from the Outer Critics.

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Judy Kaye (Nice Work If You Can Get It); Jessie Mueller (On A Clear Day You Can See Forever); Elaine Paige (Follies); Da’Vine Joy Randolph (Ghost the Musical); Melissa van der Schyff (Bonnie & Clyde)

BEST FEATURED ACTRESS IN A PLAY

UP: Daphne Rubin-Vega (A Streetcar Named Desire). I still think her Stella is too crazy, but Daphne Rubin-Vega nabbed an Outer Critics Circle Awards nomination, and the buzz on her performance is pretty high. I think she might sneak into that last spot, vacated by…

DOWN: Lily Rabe (Seminar). Rabe’s turn in Seminar was strong enough to get her a Drama League Award nomination. But like her Seminar co-star Hamish Linklater, I think the buzz on Rabe is on the downturn – brought on heavily by the fact that she’s no longer in the role. She could still take the nomination from Daphne Rubin-Vega, but she has a lot going against her.  

PREDICTED NOMINEES: Linda Emond (Death of a Salesman); Celia Keenan-Bolger (Peter and the Starcatcher); Angela Lansbury (Gore Vidal’s The Best Man); Judith Light (Other Desert Cities); Daphne Rubin-Vega (A Streetcar Named Desire)